Dealing with Internet trolls – The Real Way!

Ahh, the internet troll… what a fascinating creature it is. The limits of it’s hypocritical behaviour knows no bounds. On one hand it will talk shit, hate on you and rape you into verbal submission about whatever you decide to write about… while on the other hand the internet troll gets nothing done and has nothing to show for it’s existence. It’s like a little annoying terrier. It’ll run around and bark all day long trying to act tough, but the minute you stare it down and step the fuck up, it’ll retreat, cower and maybe bark some more.

*rawf!* *rawf!* *rawf!*

…And thank god for these creatures, because they are needed. You see, just as how the animal kingdom needs the mighty lion, the cunning fox and the fatty hippo, so too does the blogging world need the sweet ones, the sour ones, the bitchy ones, the intelligent ones, the boring ones, the hot ones and the straight up sexy ones.

The trolls keep everything in balance. People are so obnoxiously soft these days it’s actually pathetic. Let me give you an example: I got infractions and ban threats for swearing a few times at the ProBlogger forums… needless to say I go the hell outta there. Now I’m not hatin’ on the place, I actually met some GREAT bloggers there and I’m thankful for that (like Marko). But the few that were acting up… it’s like “Seriously?!” Can you believe people were bitching because they read a few potty mouth words?

Give me a break, grow the fuck up, and learn how to ignore words if you don’t like it… you’re not being forced. These people would likely crumble in the presence of trolls.

So back to my point. If you don’t believe in the idea of “balance” or if none of what I said about trolls floats your boat… then at the very least, I’m sure you can agree that they keep us entertained.

At least those of us with a sense of humour.

BUT…

There does come a time when the troll population starts to prop up too fast for our own good… and you need to shoot down a few to keep everything from getting buck wild and crazy. Just like your pubes. A little hair on your crotch signifies you as a MANLY man! But a forest signifies that you aren’t trying and therefore not getting laid.

Or you could be married…

TMI? Oh well, too bad.

So what exactly should you do when you encounter a stank-ass comment on your blog left by one of these hideous creatures?

Well I’ll tell you what NOT to do. Don’t follow the big “blogging guru’s” advice… which is to “just move on” or “just ignore it”. I mean, your blog is your HOME. It’s where you spend a lot of your time and effort and you should demand respect for it.

Think about your REAL home for a second. Would you let some random ass toolbag walk into your house and talk shit about you, your set up, your layout or anything else about your property? I seriously hope not.

So why the fuck is it OK to put up with bullshit from someone who is trolling your blog? Its not! So grow a pair (yes ladies, you too) and put them in their place. Now remember, I’m not saying “start useless fights” (although those can be fun at times). I’m saying put them in their place… there is a difference. Be authoritative, and let them know who runs the show. I believe you should practice this protocol 90% of the time. You’ll not only develop some killer leadership skills, you’ll also grow that “thicker skin” faster. And that’s never a bad thing.

Then other 10% of the time, you can practice active ignorance. Because let’s face it… there ARE times when the comment is just so fucking lame or “out there” that it’s not worth your time to respond to it. Now, to show you how it’s done… here are some real world examples of comments and emails that I’ve gotten and my response to them:

Troll: hahahaha. Your an idiot.

FJ: Ha-ha… I’m glad you have a sense of humor. It’s just too bad it doesn’t make up for your lack of intelligence.

–

Troll: you’re pretty full of yourself. why should i take your advice? so what? …you have low bodyfat, other than that, you’re a manlet. you got a 6 pack but most women have larger shoulders and arms than you. if you were 25lbs heavier at that bf% i’d take your advice. just sayin…

FJ: lol it’s funny because you think I care about size. I don’t! If i wanted to be bigger, I would be. As for why you’d want to take my advice… that’s for YOU to decide. But it’s a little odd that you’d ONLY take my advice if I was bigger (i.e if I bumped my daily caloric intake by 1000…) Seriously? That’s what it takes for someone to build rep in your eyes? That’s fucking weak dude.

–

Troll: Fit Jerk, Your a fucking idiot, you have no idea what your talking about. If i ever find out who you are and where you live ill beat your ASS!! you have no clue what your talking about so with that said go fuck your mom!

FJ: Haha, was my simple, straight-forward logic too much for you to understand? Or is the word “metaphor” not included in your limited vocabulary? You sad, sad excuse for a human being. It’s ok, I get it, your brain circuits have fried and now you’re angry. If I had your pathetic level of intelligence I would be furious too.

You may shoot yourself now. I hear WalMart has a sale on shotguns this weekend.

–

(This comment was left after an interview I did on NotAProBlog.com)

Troll: Lame, pathetic, Rich Jerk wannabe. Expected more from you, Jordan, but now I know better. Time to move on to more relevant, useful blogs.

FJ: Here’s a little wake up call – You’re not important enough for people to live up to YOUR expectations of what someone ELSE’S blog should have on it or not. Truth hurts.
Jordan is a true giver, if you can’t find value on this site (and I’m not talking about my interview) then you have some serious issues.

Conclusion

I think those are enough to hammer my point home. I can go all day with examples… but what I want you to notice are 2 key things.

1. I’m having a fucking blast. I think it’s FUNNY that they actually put in the effort to write up some BS, fill in the CAPTCHA form and press “submit” just to try and piss me off. They try so hard… it makes me feel all soft, special and delicious on the inside. Kind of like a Twinkie.
2. NONE of them had the balls to respond back. Why? Because I put them in their place. This is what I was talking about. Don’t start fights… put them in their place and end them. If anyone of those clowns did respond back… that’s when Id practice my active ignorance. What I needed to say, I said. If they re-responded, they would’ve just looked like try-hard losers and I wouldn’t have to do jack shit. Game. Set. FJ!

So that’s how I deal with trolls. I’m not saying its the best way… I’m just saying it’s my way, and if you adopt this little method, you’ll not only have plenty of laughs for years to come, but you’ll be able to blog and hold your own without fearing what the “trolls” might say about your content.

A guest post by FitJerk. While he has a passion for writing and oozes the entrepreneurial spirit, FJ is a Fitness Expert first, and focuses on impeccably accurate advice that is delivered it in a straight forward, No-BS style. Check out his Fitness Blog and E-Training program! . Want to guest post on HowToMakeMyBlog? See more info here.

Image by Schristia.